Barney Stinson is just legen - dary
"It's gonna be Legen.. wait for it and i hope you're not lactose intolerant because the word is ... dary. "
"Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had
only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died.
They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like,
"What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty
alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was
resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh
okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a
SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin'
the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's
SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like
"Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door,
runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when
he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a
woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story."
"Barney: [in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?
Woman: Cindy.
Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can
change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me,
Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the
future.
Woman: The future?
Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man.
[Robin slaps Ted, Woman is amazed]
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is
going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds
insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him.
Tonight.
Woman: What?
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way
he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global
warming that saves the human race!
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the
reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us,
Cindy. I must away!
[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]
Woman: Oh my god! You're-oh my god! Can I buy you a drink?
Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and
forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I
have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.
Woman: Global warming?
Barney: My god. How did you know that?"
"Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to
remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things
that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean,
at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the
language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes,
and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the
women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would
sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my
heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize."
"When I Get Sad, I Stop Being Sad and Be AWESOME Instead. True Story..."